Its been a long time since my last post. I’ve been well. No symptoms at all! I’m due another MRI sometime soon and hope it reflects how well I’ve felt. I always get nervous before them and start thinking about a plan B and what that might like like. From what I’ve read the funding for a 3rd round of Lemtrada seems a bit sketchy and that worries me. I think the worse symptom of MS is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what it can do, fear of what it can take away. I don’t think it ever goes away that fear. It becomes more manageable and less consuming but its still there, lurking in the shadows somewhere.
Mindfulness has helped me learn to self-sooth. I love listening to Tara Brach talk and often listen to her at bedtime hoping some of that wisdom will sink in. Some of it has I think as I feel much better equipped to deal with whatever MS brings.
In a weird way I lost a lot of my fears when I was diagnosed with MS. I don’t know if it was because MS left no room for them, or if dealing with such a huge loss blasted them into oblivion. Whatever the cause I lost my fear of heights, fears of failure, fears of looking stupid. I no longer cared and with that came a new sense of freedom in some round about way. I sometime ponder if having MS has changed me. I think it has in some ways. At my core I’m the same person, I have the same values as before and enjoy the same things. I do think its changed how I interact with the world though. I’m much bolder, tolerate less crap and have firmer boundaries. It does’t seem to have done my career any harm, in fact I think I’m more confident and more self assured. Crazy really given for a while I felt totally broken and needed all my strength to just cope.
thetigeronmyback 